What's in a cry?

I love to hear a baby cry. That shrill, give me attention, feed me, change me cry. I heard it today, with baby Kittykat. So soft, and curl in a ball cuddly and warm.

It takes me back in an instant to the NICU days. Pa and I have known each other long enough that we don't need words. We would hear a baby cry in the NICU and glance at each other. It was the "I can hardly wait until our baby cries" look. I can picture it now. It appears in my memory in a flash.

People would say interesting things. You just wait, when he starts crying you will be wishing for silence. Nope. Didn't happen.

Crying is life. It is breathing, the in and out, and lungs and emotions and recognition and senses and health.

When Sha crys out it means he needs me, misses me and knows me.

Most importantly, it means he is alive.

I just can't look at the little things the same way.

Good job Kittykat! Your making me so very proud! :-)

(ok...and now I'm crying).

Kissing Cousins

Hanging with Auntie

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Blog Life

I read blogs. There are quite a few that I peruse on a daily basis. There is one blog that I enjoy, Greek Tragedy. The girl who writes is comparible to a real life Carrie Bradshaw (if you don't know who that is, drop everything and go rent Sex and the City...not the first season though...maybe the last). Her life was fun, dramatic, artsy, downtown...err uptown, and designer. Because she is a tell-it-all person there are lots of personal details and stories that make it a very intense and interesting real life story.

http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/ Incase you want to check it out.

Her life has changed. She has divorced, remarried and had twins. NICU twins. Which have long since been discharged home. However, I started reading her blog long before Sha and long before her pregnancy with the twins.

Today, I click to her page to get the latest on her news and I find that one of her children has been diagnosed with aquired Hydrocephalus, with the cause undetermined. The term hydrocephalus is derived from the Greek words "hydro" meaning water and "cephalus" meaning head. As its name implies, it is a condition in which the primary characteristic is excessive accumulation of fluid in the brain.

I am shocked. Saddened. What a horrible event.

Tonight, I'm going to be hugging Sha a little bit tighter.

xoxo

Why doesn't Hallmark make a card?

We are going to visit the NICU on Friday.

I have run into my OB/GYN once post-op. (He was oncall and he was the lucky one. I hadn't picked an OB/GYN, it was handed to me, I was kinda thinking about having a girlllll.) Outside of the hospital. A nonchalant greeting where I just couldn't think of the right words.

What do you think of this?

"I know that we casually run into each other in the hallway. I know that you have phoned me and emailed me about work stuff. Thank you. I hope you don't think I am crazy. I do not handle drugs well. I know that we once had a working dinner together where we sat at the same table and chatted about your kids iceskating. Thank you for being my OB/GYN.

Thank you for humouring me when I asked you for the intracasies of preeclampsia and whether it was the blood pressure or the spilling of proteins that was going to kill me. I did not have Google at my beck and call at my bedside. I understand that you are a high-risk professional. I am not. Thank you not jesting my feeble attempts to convince you that we could wait a couple more days and that I promised not to meet my maker on your watch. That was sweet.

Did I mention I was in a ward room with some very interesting folks who (one day when I learn the fine art of patient confidentiality rules) I will write a book about?

I'm sorry that I introduced myself to the entire surgery staff by saying, Hi, I'm Ma, welcome to my birth story. I'm sorry I asked you if you had up-to-date insurance and if you could make sure my scar would still allow me to wear a bikini (yeah....). I'm sorry I questioned the nurse about how many cathaders she had performed in her career. I'm sorry I made a comment about knowing it was you, by your eyes, even though you had that funny mask on. I'm sorry that I made a kick at your head. I'm sorry that I questioned why the surgical table is a wafer thin (especially because pregnant people aren't skinny). I'm sorry that my husband had to velcro me down to the table because I was thinking about running down the hall with an open C-section. I'm sorry that I asked you to get me a diet coke while you were performing vital, lifesaving surgery.

You did a great job! :-)

Thank you for ordering that the guy with the serious drugs to put me under."

I'm sorry mag sulfate gives me verbal diarreha.

Woman say to other woman who are anticipating labour, don't worry they see it all the time. They won't remember any of it. It is their job, you know.

But I work there. I will cross paths with him again.

I think I should pen a hallmark just in case.

Hey, yo, vomit, stop it!

When do we lose that zest for life?

I believe (and heck, I could be wrong, it isn't like I did a study or anything), that all babies, have in common, a natural curiosity. This natural curiosity for the world around them begins, most days, around 7 am.

I believe, (and heck, I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt it, after all I am pretty damn smart), that as humans age we divide into 2 subgroups. The early risers and the night hawks. (there may be a group inbetween, who peak at about 2:00, but they could not be researched...as they tend to be their most alert during my naptime).

Sha awakes with vigour. If you peek over the crib rail in the morning he is failing his arms and his legs and ready to be plucked from baby jail.

I awake with cobwebs. I awake and my first thought is, I wonder when I can get some more sleep.

Sha downs a bottle as quickly as possible to avoid missing a moment of discovery.

I sip a warm, flat diet coke that I opened the night before. Fizz is too difficult in the morning.

Sha has learned many techniques to aid in his learning. He uses his feet as much as he uses his hands. He has not mastered crawling but will propel himself forward using his feet off of the wall, toys or your eye socket, if you are so lucky. His mind is working as quickly (if not quicker) than his body.

I am numb. Nightcrawler. I make comments, you are so cute, good job friend, awwww...wave, nice. I am thinking, I am so tired.

Sha rolls and rolls and rolls. That is his way around the house. This makes him vomit, this constant rolling (40 at a time). I am thankful for the baby wipe warmer that Dr. C. gave us. Because the wipes are warm and my body is still sleepy.

Sha decides to nap around noontime.

I wish I could wake up like that! Excited to see the same house, with the same toys, and the same furniture.

I wake up about 10:00pm.

About now is when I consider housework, chores or online banking.

I take comfort in knowing eventually he will be a teenager. Who sleeps till noon and beyond. When I will creep into his bedroom at 7am, and flick the lights off and on off and on and declare "lightning storm!". As one generation curses the next. Someday when you have kids...

Thank you Mom.

Brilliant idea.

Playgroup

Ma and Sha ventured out to the local playgroup today.

It was one of those days where everything I said was blubbering idiot.

Today, I think I probably offended two moms at the group.

The first Mom was chatting about her kids and about her husband (in the present tense) and I said, "oh, what does he do?" trying to be polite and interested. And she said, "he's dead". Shit. What the hell did I ask that for? Being a small community I actually knew that (but apparently memory blocked it). An ass I am. We chatted a lot about how trials in life make you stronger, and that you can always do more than you thought you could and how doing what you think is best for your children is always the right answer. I think a lot of people give advice with good intentions, but really, till you have been there, you just don't know what the right thing is or what you would do.

Of course, I haven't been in her situation, but I hope that our chat brought her some comfort. Even though it didn't get off to the right start.

And the second Mom I saw on my way out the door. She had just made an announcement to the group about a coffee time that she was setting up. She was carrying an infant and she looked fantastic. Makeup, hair, clothes. So I thought she worked there. She stopped to say hi to us and I said "he is so cute, is he your baby?"

Which was LAME. As soon as it came out I just wanted to jut my hand out into the air, collect all the letters and shove them back down my throat.

Apparently, he is her new foster baby and she has 8 children. She came back at me with a "soooooo...is he your only child?". Which was priceless.

I'm sure she is thinking "who the hell are you to ask me questions, when you are just a beginner mother, I'm taking care of 8!!". Much deserved.

Sha was weighed today at 16 lbs 9 oz.

Ta-ta for now. Got nothin' else to say...

ENT

Sha was finally able to meet with the ENT doctor! Yeaaa for us. :-)

It has been a long, long time in the works and it feels like we are making progress.

Sha failed another hearing test and currently has a 40% loss of hearing. The audiologist explained that this means that what he actually hears is comparable to wearing the silicone ear plugs. We have been advised to try to minimize background noise at home, including tv and radio, while we are talking to Sha and to try to speak directly to him. He is concerned that Sha is not babbling or mimicking us.

We are being scheduled (hopefully very soon)to have tubes placed in Sha's ears. The surgeon will also be suctioning out all of the fluid while he is operating.

We will have another preop appointment as well.

We hope that this will increase his hearing abilities and at least help us to understand if he has nerve damage or just a fluid problem.

Check one thing off the list!

After the surgery we will be scheduled for an audiology appointment again.

He has also agreed to take a look at Sha's vocal cords while he is performing the surgery. I have always been very aware that Sha does not have strong vocals and due to his feeding issues, he thinks it might be a good idea to take a peek. He is not able to follow this, if it is a problem, and we will be referred to Children's Hospital in London (but the waiting list is looooooonnnng).

I am looking forward to having some answers...oh and not being puked on would be nice too.

The surgeon is extremely kind and had an amazing bedside manner with Sha. It almost felt awkward not to be rushed through an appointment.

On the list of surgeries (because he wanted us to disclose everything) I included Sha's PDA ligation (of course). Which was met with a "do you mind if I take a look at that?" and a "amazing, that is truly amazing".

Waiting for answers is more difficult then having them!

Oh yes, and EI finally called back. I may just get paid next week. May. Woo hoo! Party at my house. I have to admit that my favourite part of the conversation had to be, "sorry you had to deal with my coworkers, they totally don't understand the policy". Brillant. Talking to someone who wasn't a drone sure made me happy!