Time Out!

Today Auntie and I went for a trip to the optometrist. Yes, well, sometimes life is bland. We are old. Adventures to the mall used to contain girly chatter of boys, clothes, shoes, accessories and labels. Now, we go get the old eyes checked.

While we were on our trip to Florida, Auntie and I read a novel. Bill Cosby. We took turns reading aloud and finished it. But our favourite part, had to be his rant about "old parts".

I have old parts.

My last trip to the optometrist was about ummm...more than a few years ago (ok, like 5ish) which is really too long. (Yeah, yeah, yeah I know.) The man doing my exam sang. "Do you see an E?" to a tune. Everything he said had a lilt. I just couldn't handle it. I spent the entire time thinking...is this guy a real optometrist? Or is he just a poser?

So, I have found a new guy. A part of me thinks it is funny, because a new guy, means a new target. He happens to be in the mall. Today was our day.

Guy: Please have a seat and I will take a look in your eyes.
Me: (this is going to be funny...snicker to myself)
Guy: Ok. Just hold this here and look up there and I'll shine a light and HOLY SHIT!!
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Can you see?!?
Me: Yup. (This is really, really fun)
Guy: You have a huge scar on your eye! Do you know that?

My sense of fun. Don't tell the guy and let him DISCOVER the eye injury. He was probably having a really boring Saturday. As am I. I only made this eye appointment so I could have time out. Matter of fact, he was probably dreading the monotony of another Saturday of eye appointments. I mean, why the heck would anyone want to do this for a living? It looks quite boring to me.

I think I made his day!

Me: Yes. I had an eye injury as a child. So, yeah, I know.
Guy: Yeah! But do you know what this is like? Can you see at all? This is a blah, blah, blah...insert technical words here) scar. It's huge! I just can't believe you still have an eyeball.
Me: Yeah. (this guy wants to turn me into a journal article)
Guy: Wow. I've never seen something like this before and you still have your eyeball!
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Do you have a droopy eyelid?
Me: Does it look droopy? (what the hell kind of a question is that? wouldn't you be able to see it? now I'm am wondering about his eyesight..,)
Guy: No. But Geesh. Wow!

Guy scribbles on paper. Scribbling and humming and hawing and scratching and thinking.

Second phase.

Guy: We are going to use this "P". Tell me what you see.
Me: Nothing.
Guy: 1 or 2?
Me: Nothing.
Guy: 2 or 3?
Me: Nothing.
Guy: 3 or 4?
Me: Nothing. It is blank.
Guy: You don't see the P?!?
Me: No. Nothing. White.
Guy: Holy crap! We need the big E.
Me: (Laughing so hard I almost pee.)

Also, recounting the numerous eye exams I had to give at MTO - when I worked there. People would come in and I would say, "please read me all the letters from left to right." They would respond, "1, 5, 3, 5". Which would just about send me into hysterics. "Thank you sir, but they are actually all LETTERS. Try again..." And they wanted a licence?!? I digress...

Exam continues.
Guy: So your vision is 20/400 and 20/200. Does this make sense to you? I can only get a prescription for your one eye. Your one eye is considered legally blind.
Me: Yeah. Everything is kind of like a Monet.
Guy: You should be protecting that one good eye you got and be wearing glasses.
Me: I'll try. Smile. (orrr not. Long live Bausch and Lomb!).

Auntie: How did it go?
Me: Good. I'm lucky not to be a cyclops.
Auntie: Old parts??
Me: Yeah. Old parts.

I think I'm going to train Hyde to be a guide dog incase I need him.